I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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