"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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