they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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