Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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