I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
they call him Oral-B. enough said
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Boobs speak an international language.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
