Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
