So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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