I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
