Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
