when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
