im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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