I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
