i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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