well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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