So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
