I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
