Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Floor bacon is actually really good
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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