I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
