worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
