Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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