i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
