i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
