Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Randomize
