I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
