I puked a lego.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip ๐๐๐
Your skills amaze me
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
