if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
there is glitter all over my balls
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