How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
