She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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