and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
