What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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