I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The uberlube is also flammable
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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