Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
