Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
