Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
