She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
