he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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