worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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