Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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