Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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