it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
