In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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