Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
