Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
