Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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