she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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