Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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