Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
