Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
