the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I didn't notice because vodka
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
