you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
