look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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