My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
